2018-01-11.
Thursday.
I cannot sleep. Despite the fact that I had a pretty long day back at work... after 2 days MC due to Conjunctivitis.
All I could think about is to write this out here. I wanted to write something to inspire me when I read it again. So... in the attempt to do so, I had also made a 4-photo collage of my face...
My bloated face. Or rather... what we people with steroids meds call - moon face.
I have been battling SLE / Lupus / Lupus Nephritis for 14 years now. In summary of it... I have had 4 relapses, including the present one.
Every relapse is different. Unique in its own nature. Maybe similar at some point... but have its own unique quality and lesson or ... I would term as... strength that I acquire.
It seems like this time around, the battle is rather vain in my mind. I keep on focusing on my moonface and bloated body. I KNOW that the physical body and weight is a result of the steroids I am taking. Hey... if you had to switch from 5mg (1 tablet daily) to 40mg (8 tablets daily) of prednisalone (steroids).... you would gain all the kilos back too in an instant.
You are forever hungry.
You will bloat due to water retention in your body.
You just cannot control the effect even if you control what you eat.
So... why does this battle feels superficial? I am more concerned about my weight than the fact that my SLE is potentially killing... okaylah... damaging... my kidneys.
Maybe because... I finally found back the sizes I wanted to wear, and now... I have to put them on hold (again!).
Maybe because... I know I have gorgeous people losing weight (with their own strong efforts), who I am very proud of... but know that I can never be like these people.
I used to NOT care of what I eat. Then, I cared for a bit... lost weight... to just gain in a few weeks of 40mg STEROIDS!
It is frustrating.
More frustrating when a person HALF my size complains they have GAINED WEIGHT. I mean...like hello... look at me before you say that, please? At least... you have your health.
What do I have?!
A pair of kidneys being damaged at the 4th relapse and a body and face that will not stop growing even if I look after what I eat.
I have to remember...
Nothing is permanent. Even this... will pass.
To be fair, no one is taunting my weight gain or bloatedness...but... when YOU look in the mirror or take selfies and see even THAT double chin... it just, eats me inside.
I will shake this off eventually. And focus on the bigger issue... my kidneys.
Sleepy now... gotta end this entry and post it up before I chicken out.
'Til the next entry.
2.15am
-Sarah Kambali-
#pretendingtowrite
