It's the first day of Ramadhan 1439H. Coincidentally, it falls on 17.5.2018; my estranged uncle's birthday. Such a rare moment for Ramadhan to be on the same day as ones birthday... but, year in and year out... still the same.
The eve of Ramadhan, whilst everyone was getting ready to welcome Ramadhan with solat terawikh and doing good deeds... I was backed into a corner where I cried my eyes until midnight came.
Of course, if I relay the story, those not going through the situation would advise to sabar and to let it pass. The problem is, I don't want to sabar and let it pass anymore. Enough is enough. Too many months have I having to put up a brave front and ignore my inner screams.
It gets tiring to continuously remind that I am still a girl/woman, who would like it if a simple apology and show of try or effort to comfort after a misunderstanding happens. Instead, the one that I love decides to be all ego and continue to hurt my emotions.
Instead of finding me, he messaged to apologize but also mentioned that he was not taking dad to terawikh prayers... instead, he was going to do Grab services (with the car that I pay monthly); AND to ask me to text him when I am ready. I did not respond to the message. Only at midnight, he finally asked where I was... a good solid 2 hours. (I could have taken a flight out and disappear. Jenuh nak kejar and pujuk if I did)
No where in the message had he asked if I was okay. OR where was I. All he did was to escape the wrath and don't have the BALLS to comfort me.
This morning, after what seems to be a long discussion before dropping me off to work... which, I did mention that he is not to use the car for GRAB until further notice. If he has to do GRAB, he has to go and get someone else's car, his mum or brother and sister. Not my car. (He is STILL using my car to do Grab right this moment... despite the fact I said don't)
You treat me like SHAIT.
You take me for granted.
And you drive around my car without my permission.
You do not respect me.
You do not respect me.
Did you ask me whether I agree to you doing UBER/Grab in the first place. Yes, you lost your job.. or rather they did not renew your contract due to your poor performance (ambillah banyak2 MC lagi), but you lied to me that you were out of job. You continuously answered, when I asked, that you were still working with the company. You lied not once or twice when I asked...
You tak tanya if I am okay with you using (exhausting) the car. You assume I will be okay with it. You wanted to prove to me that you CAN do UBER/Grab to sustain. Guess what? You cannot.
You still have to ask from your mother the money for car insurance.
You still not paying the monthly installments of the car.
You have not paid one cent of nafkah to me since March 2018 (it is now May 2018) and it is approaching Syawal next month.
It is not that I am being impatient.
I have tolerated too much from you.
From the lies of not working, to feeding your ego to use my car and sleep in my bed, to taking me for granted and not discussing with me.
To those reading this, you might think that this is a rant of an ungrateful person. Before you pass judgement on me, try being the breadwinner of the family of two and still be treated like someone who needs to ASKED to be loved and still battle with a chronic illness of SLE.
Yes. I can work eventho I have chronic illness. God has blessed me with functioning brains.
Yes. There is rezeki that God gives that is beyond money...
but, everyone has their limits of looking at the bright side of things.
On this 1st of Ramadhan, 1439 H, I am done.
'Til next time.
Sarah Kambali
~pretending to write~
