New Amsterdam, Episode 8.
I've been binge watching on Astro... but that was when the sun was high up and shining... Now, since it's pouring heavily, the service interrupts more often and I decide to switch off.
But... I would say this, when I was watching New Amsterdam (episode 8) and one of the Grey's Anatomy episodes... it got me thinking about the directions of 2019. Especially for New Amsterdam show.
In that particular episode, one of the patient (Asian) had a condition - migraines. Taking meds did not help. So, the doctor suggest that she goes to see someone to talk about her stress. Her mum was not happy about this. The scenes in that episode covers about the stigma and all the taboo that is Depression.
Being raised to appear strong, always ace any test or exam, able to manage life and the outcome of situation and be very good or at lengths successful; takes a lot of a person. My theory is the climb was very hard or even fast... not enough time for the rest of the person's soul or body to catch up. One has got to give.
In the episode, the patient was a successful person. She knows she needs to talk to someone. She wants to. But, her mother disapprove. She looks up to her mother, her family... so when her mother says "You don't talk to others about your family.", she lost her sense of direction. She walked straight to the tracks and did not stop. It's that sense of lost, nauzubillah, I hope I will never face.
When you feel lost and alone, you tend to do things hurtful or harmful to yourself. You have no sense of thinking about anyone, anything or any religion for that matter.
Be mindful, be kind. Words hurt deeper that a cut of a knife. I know.
I carry those words. Everyday at some point. Sometime, as I open my eyes. Sometimes, before I go to bed. Those words made me feel, I am a terrible person.
"You are lower than bacteria"
"Your actions caused miscarriage"
... and sometimes, the non-actions also aggravates. If you know that person who is out of her element, or you happen to see someone crying, chances are... she is troubled. Best if you try to ask, is everything alright?
Sometimes, we pick ourselves up. Like me, when I feel like I am giving up.. I post status or just a "Hi, hope your day is a-okay" to someone in my whatsapp list. Or anything of that sort somewhere... and I get a reply. I focus and am very grateful for the distraction. In a lot of times, it made me feel, hey... I'm okay. I do have someone.
A trapped mind is a terrible place to be. Only those who has been in this situation knows how impossible for others to get a person out of that trapped mind syndrome.. conundrum.. whatever you call it.
Only that person who is trapped can get out. What others can do is just re-assure that person that he or she is not alone. That you are there waiting once a person snaps out of it.
Well... ini semua salah binge watching at Astro.
Back to m directions, I would like to set a goal for 2019. To be better. To manage this depression. To lessen the hurt when the trigger points is activated.
I will never find out why no one asked me when I was breaking down loudly... those who heard or hear of it from another, they would not ask me.
I will never get an apology or at least a talk it out properly for saying those hurtful things to me... because what is said, cannot be unsaid, or unshouted at.. if there is such words.
If I ever tell my story, would anyone listen? No answer there either.
So instead of getting upset, of seeing happiness in a group of people that I introduced, made into group and had everyone in good terms AND introduced places (directly or indirectly) which I never take credit for... Let's concentrate on me. Making me better. They lost me. All of them... because not one tried to ask me, Why are you like this, Sarah?
'Til next time.
Sarah Kambali
~pretending to write~
