Binge Watching - New Amsterdam, episode 8

New Amsterdam, Episode 8.

I've been binge watching on Astro... but that was when the sun was high up and shining... Now, since it's pouring heavily, the service interrupts more often and I decide to switch off.

But... I would say this, when I was watching New Amsterdam (episode 8) and one of the Grey's Anatomy episodes... it got me thinking about the directions of 2019. Especially for New Amsterdam show.

In that particular episode, one of the patient (Asian) had a condition - migraines. Taking meds did not help. So, the doctor suggest that she goes to see someone to talk about her stress. Her mum was not happy about this. The scenes in that episode covers about the stigma and all the taboo that is Depression.

Being raised to appear strong, always ace any test or exam, able to manage life and the outcome of situation and be very good or at lengths successful; takes a lot of a person. My theory is the climb was very hard or even fast... not enough time for the rest of the person's soul or body to catch up. One has got to give.

In the episode, the patient was a successful person. She knows she needs to talk to someone. She wants to. But, her mother disapprove. She looks up to her mother, her family... so when her mother says "You don't talk to others about your family.", she lost her sense of direction. She walked straight to the tracks and did not stop. It's that sense of lost, nauzubillah, I hope I will never face.

When you feel lost and alone, you tend to do things hurtful or harmful to yourself. You have no sense of thinking about anyone, anything or any religion for that matter.

Be mindful, be kind. Words hurt deeper that a cut of a knife. I know.

I carry those words. Everyday at some point. Sometime, as I open my eyes. Sometimes, before I go to bed. Those words made me feel, I am a terrible person.

"You are lower than bacteria"

"Your actions caused miscarriage"

... and sometimes, the non-actions also aggravates. If you know that person who is out of her element, or you happen to see someone crying, chances are... she is troubled. Best if you try to ask, is everything alright?

Sometimes, we pick ourselves up. Like me, when I feel like I am giving up.. I post status or just a "Hi, hope your day is a-okay" to someone in my whatsapp list. Or anything of that sort somewhere... and I get a reply. I focus and am very grateful for the distraction. In a lot of times, it made me feel, hey... I'm okay. I do have someone.

A trapped mind is a terrible place to be. Only those who has been in this situation knows how impossible for others to get a person out of that trapped mind syndrome.. conundrum.. whatever you call it.

Only that person who is trapped can get out. What others can do is just re-assure that person that he or she is not alone. That you are there waiting once a person snaps out of it.

Well... ini semua salah binge watching at Astro.

Back to m directions, I would like to set a goal for 2019. To be better. To manage this depression. To lessen the hurt when the trigger points is activated.

I will never find out why no one asked me when I was breaking down loudly... those who heard or hear of it from another, they would not ask me.

I will never get an apology or at least a talk it out properly for saying those hurtful things to me... because what is said, cannot be unsaid, or unshouted at.. if there is such words.

If I ever tell my story, would anyone listen? No answer there either.

So instead of getting upset, of seeing happiness in a group of people that I introduced, made into group and had everyone in good terms AND introduced places (directly or indirectly) which I never take credit for... Let's concentrate on me. Making me better. They lost me. All of them... because not one tried to ask me, Why are you like this, Sarah?

'Til next time.

Sarah Kambali

~pretending to write~

Self-care is not Selfish.

Often, I write about my experience and what I go through. And most of the time in the utmost emotional sense possible. More often than not, I am not at a "zen" place OR the mood was disrupted to a point that I needed to jot it down somewhere.

Today's entry, I will try to lessen that negative emotions. Mainly because I am trying to start my healing process. Having said that, the ability to capture whatever it is that is disturbing or causing the trigger point of my depression, is a point of self-care too. So, let's get to a balance, shall we?

For a while now, I've been in a troubled state of mind. Always serabut (tangled). And I couldn't think straight or have done any self-care. But, from the period of September to date, I've been paying attention to things that needs attention; especially me.

I went to Singapore in September and Singapore in October. All without my husband. I threw care and overthinking in the wind. When I am here, we went for a few couple therapy sessions... until it didn't really worked as much, in my opinion. Some people, you can give them a floating device to stay afloat but still refuse to wear the floating device and would rather sink and/or drown. There is so much I can do. So, I've tried.

So, recently, I decided to not think about "US" anymore. It is time for me to think about "ME". Of course, this did step was not a revelation from therapy... but, I would say that the incidents and whatever discussions that I had to have with my therapist/counselor, helped quite a bit to my direction to be more independent of myself. 

And, that realization made it easier for me to deal with other environment/situations too. Family, Work and Friends. I no longer feel the need to make excuses for them for not including me, or making excuses for myself for not joining. I am ME.

Today, was my last session with my online therapist/counselor from RELATE (Google them. Quite good help). One was because my therapist had to continue pursuing her education and my decision to finally take off the training wheels. 

Our last session, we did a quick recap of everything that we discussed all these while. It was amazing the journey that I had gone through when we recap the whole scenario. My therapist/counselor had actually felt I had much improvement since the first time of our session.

I feel that the one hour sharing session with someone, made a lot of difference. We were able to discover what is it that I am really upset with or how to improve myself. 1 hour is a long time to be using... but, as the title of my blog, Self-Care is not Selfish.

It is time that I practice this on my own. 

P.S. Today, I had a good breakfast session with my two unimates at Pasar Besar TTDI. Also, had a good time with one of them at Sedap TTDI. All was of course recorded in my instagram and facebook. I suppose, if you are able to start off with good vibes, you will attract the good vibes. But, life is not a bed of roses. Never easy. I will have my downtime. I won't deny that. And I know, I will climb myself out of it too.

'Til next time.

Sarah Kambali

~pretending to write~

Worst in Me - Julia Micheals ... & my Saturday.

Today, I had a session with my therapist. It is now at its 9th session. She records our sessions and that helps her to analyze my situation.

There were a lot to talk about in 1 hour. This time around, was no different. I shared with her my feelings and filling her with what happened during the weeks.

After our sharing/therapy, it helps me to get a moment of clarity in my life.

To be honest, I am really trying to hold on and invest in something that has no hope or future. I know that. I recognize that. But, I am still trying. I still make excuses for him. I continue to help him or bail him out of things by giving him the solution; a.k.a the money.

I am trying... to row us to land. It feels like we have been put in this boat in the middle of the sea for a long time.

Anyways... now, I am just waiting for him to come pick me up, while typing this out. And, listening to "Worst in Me by Julia Michaels"... and I feel like sharing the lyrics here.

"Yeah

Remember when I used to be happy for you?
You could go out with your female friends and I'd be totally fine
Remember when you used to be happy for me?
You celebrate all my success without crossing a line

Now, it's like we're scared of getting good
'Cause we know the truth is that we could
Yeah, we know that we might actually work
And the truth is that we could

But maybe it's the worst in me
That's bringing out the worst in you
I know we can fix these kinks
But the worst in me doesn't want to work on things
But the best of me wants to love you
But the worst in me doesn't want to

Ah ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah ah

It's almost like I've gotten so used to resentment
That every annoying little thing you say has lost its effect
It's almost like it's made you a little bit bitter
When I don't always react the way you expect

It's like we're scared of getting good
'Cause we know the truth is that we could
Yeah, we know that we might actually work
And the truth is that we could

But maybe it's the worst in me
That's bringing out the worst in you
I know we can fix these kinks
But maybe it's the worst in me
That's bringing out the worst in you
I know we can fix these kinks
But the worst in me doesn't want to work on things
But the best of me wants to love you
But the worst in me doesn't want to

I won't hurt you again
If you won't, if you won't
But, baby, I won't lose you again
If you won't, if you won't

 

Remember when I used to be happy for you?"

I am having that on loop. Sigh. While he is on the road, stuck in a jam to get to me.

Oh well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My life is as it is.. never simple. Always complicated.

 

'Til next time.

 

Sarah Kambali 

#PretendingToWrite

1 Ramadhan 1439 H

It's the first day of Ramadhan 1439H. Coincidentally, it falls on 17.5.2018; my estranged uncle's birthday. Such a rare moment for Ramadhan to be on the same day as ones birthday... but, year in and year out... still the same.

The eve of Ramadhan, whilst everyone was getting ready to welcome Ramadhan with solat terawikh and doing good deeds... I was backed into a corner where I cried my eyes until midnight came. 

Of course, if I relay the story, those not going through the situation would advise to sabar and to let it pass. The problem is, I don't want to sabar and let it pass anymore. Enough is enough. Too many months have I having to put up a brave front and ignore my inner screams. 

It gets tiring to continuously remind that I am still a girl/woman, who would like it if a simple apology and show of try or effort to comfort after a misunderstanding happens. Instead, the one that I love decides to be all ego and continue to hurt my emotions.

Instead of finding me, he messaged to apologize but also mentioned that he was not taking dad to terawikh prayers... instead, he was going to do Grab services (with the car that I pay monthly); AND to ask me to text him when I am ready. I did not respond to the message. Only at midnight, he finally asked where I was... a good solid 2 hours. (I could have taken a flight out and disappear. Jenuh nak kejar and pujuk if I did)

No where in the message had he asked if I was okay. OR where was I. All he did was to escape the wrath and don't have the BALLS to comfort me.

This morning, after what seems to be a long discussion before dropping me off to work... which, I did mention that he is not to use the car for GRAB until further notice. If he has to do GRAB, he has to go and get someone else's car, his mum or brother and sister. Not my car. (He is STILL using my car to do Grab right this moment... despite the fact I said don't)

You treat me like SHAIT.

You take me for granted.

And you drive around my car without my permission.
You do not respect me.

Did you ask me whether I agree to you doing UBER/Grab in the first place. Yes, you lost your job.. or rather they did not renew your contract due to your poor performance (ambillah banyak2 MC lagi), but you lied to me that you were out of job. You continuously answered, when I asked, that you were still working with the company. You lied not once or twice when I asked...

You tak tanya if I am okay with you using (exhausting) the car. You assume I will be okay with it. You wanted to prove to me that you CAN do UBER/Grab to sustain. Guess what? You cannot. 

You still have to ask from your mother the money for car insurance. 

You still not paying the monthly installments of the car.

You have not paid one cent of nafkah to me since March 2018 (it is now May 2018) and it is approaching Syawal next month.

It is not that I am being impatient. 

I have tolerated too much from you.

From the lies of not working, to feeding your ego to use my car and sleep in my bed, to taking me for granted and not discussing with me.

To those reading this, you might think that this is a rant of an ungrateful person. Before you pass judgement on me, try being the breadwinner of the family of two and still be treated like someone who needs to ASKED to be loved and still battle with a chronic illness of SLE. 

Yes. I can work eventho I have chronic illness. God has blessed me with functioning brains. 

Yes. There is rezeki that God gives that is beyond money...

but, everyone has their limits of looking at the bright side of things. 

On this 1st of Ramadhan, 1439 H, I am done.

'Til next time.

Sarah Kambali

~pretending to write~

Last day of lunch, before Ramadhan.

It's okay to be alone.

That's what I say, when you decide from morning not to spend lunch time with me.

It's sad really.
An impromptu order of two nasi beriyani with mutton meat. It isn't about spending the money to buy lunch... it is the longing of having someone who wants to have lunch with you.

I've never really had that someone.
Funny isn't it?

I don't speak the same language as 3/4 of the people in my firm.
I don't even think the same as the people here.
I don't get invited for anything. With anyone.
I just don't fit in.

And, when I do feel like I fit in, it was just in my head.

It's true what they say...
... you cannot buy your way to people's heart (or mind).

So, it's okay to be alone.
It's okay to spend my last lunch before Ramadhan starts, alone.

It's okay.

'Til next time.

-Sarah Kambali-

#pretendingtowrite

Being sick... all the time.

Being strong.
... or appearing to be strong.

For 35 years of my life, I have been appearing to be a strong lady. I carry the weight of my own problems; listen to those who needs it; and not to mention... show empathy whenever there is situation where I am a being the "punching bag".

Funny thing is, even typing this, and IF there is anyone reading this, would think I am just being a drama or playing the victim card. 

Oh there goes Sarah... being her emotional drama self. She should really learn to not post stuff online. Everyone can read... shows how much she really wants attention.

What people don't see is how I struggle with my day-to-day life. Yes, everyone has their challenges. But this entry is NOT about other people's challenges... this is MY BLOG. I want to pour my heart out... so be it, right?

2018 has not been easy. I caught the flu and cough bug that seemed like it nested and stayed with me. At one point, gotten myself a chest X-ray to check on my lungs. It had an infection. And plus, at that moment of time, the doctor had indicated the possibility that one of my medicines that I am taking for my SLE is causing a side-effect on my lungs. He wrote a recommendation letter for my specialist to read in SLE Clinic... but I never gave my doctors there. Why? I didn't want to handle the possibility of this being something. 

My ill state of flu, cough, fever... in no particular order and repeat, made it difficult for me to meet people and also to concentrate in my life. I could feel how much I needed my husband to step up his game. Step up here does not mean nursing me (only)... but also to take over and look after the house slightly better. 

Small things like making sure that the sink is not with dirty dishes (because that invites HUGE cockroaches to the kitchen) OR making sure that the water in the fridge, bottles outside, the ice tray... are all filled up nicely. These things do not fill themselves up on their own. You would need to boil the water. Or... making sure when I try to discuss with you how I like my eggs, you would listen and try to make my eggs the way I want them.

But, he doesn't step up... so, on top of me trying to recover from flu, cough and fever... and still go to work (mind you, I didn't take any MC); I was still doing all the small things because he didn't.

I noticed, he was becoming more and more the typical men. We come home, he plops down to the couch and starts playing game (football or facebooking) on his phone. Which is very different than of what I would be doing, if we do get home.

At some point... I had to face the SauronEye episode; i.e. my eyes were red. I had to take MC and was not permitted to go to work. I was still having the cough at that time. Still, I functioned like a normal person.

Recently, due to the cough, my old seatbelt chronic injury that I sustained years ago decided to surface... painful. I was reminded how much pain it was when I had the accident. Waking up as early as 5am. Unable to sleep because lying down would crush the area effected with pain. And looking at him sleeping soundly, not even showing concern or not genuinely enough to show concern... well, it made me feel really down.

I know.. some of you would probably say, Tell him la.

Easier said than done. When you speak to him, there is a higher chance you will be more sad/angry and disappointed than how you are now. Why? Mainly because, he is not there. Mentally, he is not there. He doesn't listen. Or, he doesn't show that he listens. He shuts you off. 

So, I decide to keep quiet... until today. This blog.. on being strong. It isn't about how overall my life is since the start of 2018... it is an entry to vent my frustration. Now that I have laid my "foundation", so to speak(type)... this is what had happened the past few days.

He gotten the worst migraine attack. Like all mother-effs of migraines, it is painful. I get it. And for those who rarely or never had a migraine, would not understand the depths of pain a person endures.

Anyways, he had a terrible migraine attack. I took care of him... or tried to. After a while, it took a toll on me. Why? Because... he was being a typical men when sick mode. A big baby.

Tonight, thinking that things are much better, especially since I cooked for him... for us... He slept. As usual... after meal. The unusual part is when he didn't do the usual routines he would normally do. He just decided to go to bed after dinner. He didn't bother to invite me in to sleep together. He left me outside on my own.

After all that... the chopping, the cooking... 

It would have been nice if you asked if I wanted to sleep in together. I know that we are married... I don't need to be invited to be in the same bed; but.. that is not the point. The point is, a lot of things done because we are married, and we take it for granted. Just because I decide to cook, and you are sleepy after that, doesn't mean that you don't are excused from doing what you normally do. And... just to point out, this has been going on for a few days already.

I could feel the anger brewing in me. 

... and mixed with sadness.

I feel so alone. Plus, I have to be strong. People don't understand... they think I am emotional all the time. There is a reason why I am how I am. 

No one bothers to ask.

So, I blog.

 
'Til the next entry.

-Sarah Kambali-
#pretendingtowrite

The obvious tale of self confidence...

1.50am.
2018-01-11.
Thursday.

I cannot sleep. Despite the fact that I had a pretty long day back at work... after 2 days MC due to Conjunctivitis.

All I could think about is to write this out here. I wanted to write something to inspire me when I read it again. So... in the attempt to do so, I had also made a 4-photo collage of my face...

My bloated face. Or rather... what we people with steroids meds call - moon face.

I have been battling SLE / Lupus / Lupus Nephritis for 14 years now. In summary of it... I have had 4 relapses, including the present one.

Every relapse is different. Unique in its own nature. Maybe similar at some point... but have its own unique quality and lesson or ... I would term as... strength that I acquire.

It seems like this time around, the battle is rather vain in my mind. I keep on focusing on my moonface and bloated body. I KNOW that the physical body and weight is a result of the steroids I am taking. Hey... if you had to switch from 5mg (1 tablet daily) to 40mg (8 tablets daily) of prednisalone (steroids).... you would gain all the kilos back too in an instant.

You are forever hungry.
You will bloat due to water retention in your body.
You just cannot control the effect even if you control what you eat.

So... why does this battle feels superficial? I am more concerned about my weight than the fact that my SLE is potentially killing... okaylah... damaging... my kidneys.

Maybe because... I finally found back the sizes I wanted to wear, and now... I have to put them on hold (again!).

Maybe because... I know I have gorgeous people losing weight (with their own strong efforts), who I am very proud of... but know that I can never be like these people.

I used to NOT care of what I eat. Then, I cared for a bit... lost weight... to just gain in a few weeks of 40mg STEROIDS!

It is frustrating.

More frustrating when a person HALF my size complains they have GAINED WEIGHT. I mean...like hello... look at me before you say that, please? At least... you have your health.

What do I have?!

A pair of kidneys being damaged at the 4th relapse and a body and face that will not stop growing even if I look after what I eat.

I have to remember...

Nothing is permanent. Even this... will pass.

To be fair, no one is taunting my weight gain or bloatedness...but... when YOU look in the mirror or take selfies and see even THAT double chin... it just, eats me inside.

I will shake this off eventually. And focus on the bigger issue... my kidneys.

Sleepy now... gotta end this entry and post it up before I chicken out.

'Til the next entry.
2.15am

-Sarah Kambali-
#pretendingtowrite