Ponder and Wonder

An Uber driver asked me a question... "How to be a positive person?".

I answered. Two things....

a) reminder from Allah in Al Baqarah. No soul is burden more than it can bear. This gives a meaning to remind that your hardship, sadness and stress is not more than what is to be handled by you;

b) this world and everything we go through is temporary. Happiness, Joy, Sadness, Stress... whatever you go through... is temporary. It will all go away.

These answer seem to please the Uber driver. Then, he shared with me a place where there is free mengaji classes nearby to my destination.

Sometimes, I believe He is looking out for me. Just when I have decided to keep to myself... He gets strangers to make me realize that I am not alone. He is there. He knows I am sad and alone. He knows my heavy heart. He knows the voices in my head.

I can never be a good person. How can I?
Someone I once knew called me the lowest of the low. Ungrateful. Childish. I am given a disease because I am arrogant.

I forgave this person. But, I will never forget the screams directed at me.

Throughout my life, I am always yelled at. I am built to be yelled at. And I forgave those who did. It's all because, I probably deserved it.

I try not to scream or yell AT people. I may have a high toned voice... but I don't scream at a person.

Then, I decide to scream at myself. Why? Because the voices were so loud, I cannot stop hearing the voices in my head. The struggle is real... but I don't expect anyone to understand.

I am suppose to be the calm one.
I am not suppose to go bonkers or scream to silence the voices.

I wish I could have just walked away. From this body. From the voices.

Then... just when I thought of just throwing my life away, He reminded me... this is temporary. This is my burden to go through.

Oh well.

~pretending to write~