4th day of Ramadhan

Today, is the 4th day of Ramadhan. So far so good. Gotten slightly edgy and hungry.. but, I have to remind myself why I am doing this. For HIM.

Anyways, tonight I feel like pouring out my heart... but I do not feel like doing it on facebook. Simply because it is way too long to be a status and I refuse to share my ponderings on FB.

I came in at about 12.35am. Changed into my peejays.. and started to have voices in my head. General questionings and statements.

I feel that this year is my worst year. In everything. Love. Family. Career. Friends. Everything is falling apart. Especially friends.

Early of the year, it was a whirlwind of an experience for everything at work. Along with it came the stress and struggle to maintain my sanity. Things that people say that I said, that were not true. And to be fair to those that heard the things I purportedly said, they do not know me well enough. So, I had to go through all the Fitnah of people's saying. To reach a point that even my boss knew and... I think it has reached a point that I feel if I had decided to quit, he would allow me to go. It was a mess.

Unfortunately, I cannot leave. Not because I wanted to level up to be a partner in the department... also, not because I felt obliged to clean up the mess others left behind.. and definitely not because of blind loyalty to my boss...

It was because there was a shift of economics in our really small household. My hubby got laid off. This would be his... i dunno. I lost count. All I know, my theory of every 2 years or so, he would be fired... is a proveable theory.

This came more pressure on me. Why? For that brief moment, I became the breadwinner once again. Full time breadwinner.

In the past, him being jobless stretches 6 months to a bloody year. And that made it difficult for our finances to recover. Presently though, he was able to secure a job in a quicker time. Still... there was no avoiding the finances.

To make matters worst... before he was fired, sometime in February, we were supposedly had a fun trip with friends to Melaka. It turned out not fun at all. First day was awesome. But, it was the second day that I had ruin everyone's vacation, so they say.

We had an altercation over him checking with one of our friends on going to Mydin. He just had to do what he usually do... and it was pretty much hurtful. It would have been nice if I didnt hear all the voices in my head. The stress was really getting to me. So.. I had to go out of the house.

I remembered staying out of the house and just listening on to Spotify. But, the voices did not drown out with the songs. Going so crazy over what he did, I screamed from the top of my lungs. He came out. And we discussed what happened.

I didnt care if it was childish or unorthodox to be screaming. With him, that is all I can do to get him to listen. Of course, the consequences was that some people took offence over my actions.

This was the first scenario that I do not understand. At first, I felt I am wrong for screaming. Then again, if anyone else would have screamed that day.. I would have rushed to find the person who screamed. Find out if he/she is okay. Maybe that person needs a hug or just somwone to talk to.

Instead of trying to talk about what happened.. everyone talked about it amongst each other. Treating like nothing was wrong during the vacay... but when back in KL, that was when all hell broke loose. I received a long sms saying things like I ruined the vacay.. how I could have caused a miscarriage. I was basically a disease.

Of course, I did apologize.. but, after awhile, I did start to wonder. Why didn't anyone come to my aid?

When one of them got so depressed, I continued to stay on... I saw the signs of being troubled. Reassured that I will be here.

When one of them wanted to run away because of heartbreak... I tried my best to talk some sense against running away.

It is funny how with one incident, which none of them really came up to ask.. why the hell did you scream.. had labelled me the person ruining everyone's vacay and caused miscarriage.

Then, when we were back.. hubby got fired. I wasn't financially prepared. I thought I was.. but I am not. It wasn't easy dealing with this work-hubby rollercoaster alone. I had no one to talk to. Cry to. Not that I remembered...

My next incident was recent.. work-finances-family-friend roll up to one.

Supposedly there was plans for a baby shower. One of which I would have to give it a miss. It isn't because I do not want to join in... but because I have exam on each and every Saturday and Sunday weekend. So, if the event is Saturday night... I would not be in a party mode as Sunday is another exam paper. I would need to either rest or continue to cramp for next day's exam.

Unfortunately, I suppose, I am perceived selfish. The mention of exam came with two questions that really gave me the meh feeling:-

- your paper sampai malam ke? (Your paper til night?)
- you cannot spend 1 hour? If it was me, I can spend 1 hour (so the statement from the organizing the event.)

It really made me feel like a terrible person for missing out the baby shower. A terrible person for not missing my Sunday exam paper... or just screw it and go to the baby shower. So, I did what I had to do... confront the person who is organizing. Why is it there is a need to make me feel terrible?

The altercation elavated when another statement came :- if you are so adament not going, it's okay.

How can you say that? It is hurtful the first two statements... Why can't you say "Okay. I understand you cannot make it. So sorry ya. We'll eat more for you and take lots of photos."?

Why must you add more fuel to the fire? If your intent is to get the event and being heartless and hurt others in the process, you have succeeded. It's okay... one day, you will understand.

Well... in the end, I am left to myself. It has been a good 2 weeks (I think?).. and I finally stopped trying to keep in touch since 1st Ramadhan.

I am not cutting ties... I am just concentrating on other issues that matters. Clearly, I am not someone people wanna be with.

I should be within arm's length with people. Because they leave you and hurt you. They scar you and you pick up the pieces on your own.

People cannot accept when I am breaking down.
Or when I truly am trying to manage my life.
Or when I am desperate need of company or friends.

They do not wanna hear me.
They do not wanna understand.
All they want is... for me to help, heal, hear and understand them. ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

oh well.

Sarah Kambali
#pretendingtowrite

2017-05-31