... or appearing to be strong.
For 35 years of my life, I have been appearing to be a strong lady. I carry the weight of my own problems; listen to those who needs it; and not to mention... show empathy whenever there is situation where I am a being the "punching bag".
Funny thing is, even typing this, and IF there is anyone reading this, would think I am just being a drama or playing the victim card.
Oh there goes Sarah... being her emotional drama self. She should really learn to not post stuff online. Everyone can read... shows how much she really wants attention.
What people don't see is how I struggle with my day-to-day life. Yes, everyone has their challenges. But this entry is NOT about other people's challenges... this is MY BLOG. I want to pour my heart out... so be it, right?
2018 has not been easy. I caught the flu and cough bug that seemed like it nested and stayed with me. At one point, gotten myself a chest X-ray to check on my lungs. It had an infection. And plus, at that moment of time, the doctor had indicated the possibility that one of my medicines that I am taking for my SLE is causing a side-effect on my lungs. He wrote a recommendation letter for my specialist to read in SLE Clinic... but I never gave my doctors there. Why? I didn't want to handle the possibility of this being something.
My ill state of flu, cough, fever... in no particular order and repeat, made it difficult for me to meet people and also to concentrate in my life. I could feel how much I needed my husband to step up his game. Step up here does not mean nursing me (only)... but also to take over and look after the house slightly better.
Small things like making sure that the sink is not with dirty dishes (because that invites HUGE cockroaches to the kitchen) OR making sure that the water in the fridge, bottles outside, the ice tray... are all filled up nicely. These things do not fill themselves up on their own. You would need to boil the water. Or... making sure when I try to discuss with you how I like my eggs, you would listen and try to make my eggs the way I want them.
But, he doesn't step up... so, on top of me trying to recover from flu, cough and fever... and still go to work (mind you, I didn't take any MC); I was still doing all the small things because he didn't.
I noticed, he was becoming more and more the typical men. We come home, he plops down to the couch and starts playing game (football or facebooking) on his phone. Which is very different than of what I would be doing, if we do get home.
At some point... I had to face the SauronEye episode; i.e. my eyes were red. I had to take MC and was not permitted to go to work. I was still having the cough at that time. Still, I functioned like a normal person.
Recently, due to the cough, my old seatbelt chronic injury that I sustained years ago decided to surface... painful. I was reminded how much pain it was when I had the accident. Waking up as early as 5am. Unable to sleep because lying down would crush the area effected with pain. And looking at him sleeping soundly, not even showing concern or not genuinely enough to show concern... well, it made me feel really down.
I know.. some of you would probably say, Tell him la.
Easier said than done. When you speak to him, there is a higher chance you will be more sad/angry and disappointed than how you are now. Why? Mainly because, he is not there. Mentally, he is not there. He doesn't listen. Or, he doesn't show that he listens. He shuts you off.
So, I decide to keep quiet... until today. This blog.. on being strong. It isn't about how overall my life is since the start of 2018... it is an entry to vent my frustration. Now that I have laid my "foundation", so to speak(type)... this is what had happened the past few days.
He gotten the worst migraine attack. Like all mother-effs of migraines, it is painful. I get it. And for those who rarely or never had a migraine, would not understand the depths of pain a person endures.
Anyways, he had a terrible migraine attack. I took care of him... or tried to. After a while, it took a toll on me. Why? Because... he was being a typical men when sick mode. A big baby.
Tonight, thinking that things are much better, especially since I cooked for him... for us... He slept. As usual... after meal. The unusual part is when he didn't do the usual routines he would normally do. He just decided to go to bed after dinner. He didn't bother to invite me in to sleep together. He left me outside on my own.
After all that... the chopping, the cooking...
It would have been nice if you asked if I wanted to sleep in together. I know that we are married... I don't need to be invited to be in the same bed; but.. that is not the point. The point is, a lot of things done because we are married, and we take it for granted. Just because I decide to cook, and you are sleepy after that, doesn't mean that you don't are excused from doing what you normally do. And... just to point out, this has been going on for a few days already.
I could feel the anger brewing in me.
... and mixed with sadness.
I feel so alone. Plus, I have to be strong. People don't understand... they think I am emotional all the time. There is a reason why I am how I am.
No one bothers to ask.
So, I blog.
'Til the next entry.
-Sarah Kambali-
#pretendingtowrite
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